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[Thursday
12 28, 2006 / 10:09am] |
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so, i know i haven't updated in million jillion years, but i don't really feel like giving the entire detailed rundown of all that happened. so here's the synoptic version:
*i went to new mexico, las vegas, and the grand canyon in july.
*the first week of august, i went to bandcamp. it was pretty amazing, rooming w/ kels, ED, and my sister shannon.
*the next week, i had madz (madrigals, aka mads or madz or mad ladies) camp at school every day. It was equally, if not more, amazing than bandcamp, only in a very different way.
*i messed up my ankle right before MGs ice cream concert. i was out for 2 days.
*then school started. eh, meh. classes i love: chorale, english (tho i'm bad at it), rotc (blowoff), band (cool ppl), chem (cool ppl). classes i don't love: math (advanced algebra2 and trig HONORS! why did i take honors!?!?), AP us history (history is pointless as usual). i was kinda bummed out cuz my grades weren't as good as last year, but i am taking harder classes so i got over it.
*i made lots of new friends from mads and MGs.
*alex blomarz helped me out a lot. he and kels were sort of go-to people. they were both in mads and MGs, so they were always there, and always supportive. the year would have been totally different without them. i had many a long, serious talk with alex after practice. he helped more than he'll ever know.
*unfortunately, i totally fell for him during that time of MGs and mads. it didn't help that i was garunteed to see him every day in chorale.
*speaking of chorale, i had to audition for IMEA district choir. and I made it. not many sophomores do that. but me and nikki must be doing something right. i sat next to bridget quealy, by chance, and we got to know eachother over that day. so many amazing memories. i hope i make it next year.
*so, MG shows. Goshen, we won, but we had a bad show. Lake Park we came 2nd to Prospect. BOA Louisville got rained out, and also incorporated a 13-hr bus ride on the way there. we had fun hanging out and being with friends and stuff,but yeah. because Louisville got rained out, they rescheduled us to go to another BOA in Ypsilanti, MI. There, we advanced to finals for the first time in school history, and took 2nd place overall. i think i'm forgetting one show, cuz now i come to ISU, but oh well. At ISU, it was complicated for me personally, but I'll leave most of that out. In prelims, we had a great show, except alex was bummed out cuz he messed up his solo, so i didn't know what to feel after that cuz i was torn between like 3 emotions. But we ended up taking 1st place in class 6A and taking ALL the caption awards. (that, by the way, makes us a class 6A state champion band.) we go to finals, and we (the group) had an even better show, even though it was raining like a mother. Joel Truffa said he was going to kiss every girl if we beat Marian Catholic. but we lost to them...by point six!! as in 6 thenths of a point! .6!! so, even thought we lost, we still felt pretty good about ourselves. except me. as i later confessed to alex, i personally and individually had a bad show at ISU finals. I could tell, that as a group, we were having a great show. and it's not like i did completely horrible, cuz i didn't. but it wasn't as amazing as i normally did. either way, i felt like it was my fault we lost. there might be someone who did worse or as bad as me and feels like this too, but i still feel like it was my fault. i did everything in my power, and that is the honest to god truth. anyway, all in all, we had a great season and i'm proud.
*mads: i think every emotion possible was felt on some level while i was doing something for this group (did that make sense? i doubt it). lots of practices. lots of work. lots of fun also. the kate/bridget/kristen thing. so not fair, but i'm glad it wasn't drugs or anything. i was honestly worried for a little bit b4 i found out what happened. mad ladies sleepover @ tori's was amazing. shirts="We won't shoot the bunny!" "We'll just sing about it." dinners=amazing. costume=amazing. also, at the last dinner me and alex had a talk. and that's when i stopped liking him. not going into reasons right now. but anyway, i can't wait til mads next year. maybe i'll make singers! who knows?
*thanksgiving was cool.
*christmas was cool. fave gifts: RENT on dvd, pitch pipe, music shirt, mom's sweater. weirdest gift: gift card to a&f. idk what i'm going to do w/ it. but it's always nice to see family.
which brings me to today.........maybe later.
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[Tuesday
07 11, 2006 / 9:42am] |
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accomplished |
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OAR |
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I've made my decision. It won't affect anything until about 8 months from now, but still, it's done. There is no going back now. I'm not going to say that it's set in stone, but it is going to take something VERY major to change this.
Last year (what, four months ago?), I chickened out. I gave in to others. I robbed myself of an oppurtunity because of something someone else said. That's not going to happen again. The only person that could possibly influence me to change this decision is me. And it will take a lot of hard facts to change it.
So my goal is set. I think it's acheivable. And I'm going to strive for it...when the time comes. For now, I'm stuck in my place. And I will do my best in that place, because that's all I can do.
That goal will lie dormant for now. In 8 months, I know it will get it's wake-up call...
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| i am going to have nightmares tonight |
[Monday
07 10, 2006 / 10:27pm] |
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TBS |
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Well, today has been the first day of our break from band that I haven't sat around doing nothing. wooT
Went to band at MJH and sat there. I love it there, even when I don't really do anything, because watcing all the rehearsals is always an enlightening, highly entertaining, and educational experience. Michelle was there. Then I went home, Liz and Heather came over to hang with Patra. Then Jill came by to give Leah a lesson. I love seeing Jill. Then Sarah came over for the rest of the day, until like 8 or something. We had great singing time!! =) Then I went shopping and got all the fabric to make my cloak. It is going to be deep blue velvet on the outside and a maroon/velvet satin on the inside. I cannot wait! It is A LOT of fabric to be working with though. I put the satin in the washer when I got home. So I unfolded it, and I was like oh my gosh! That's a lot of fabric. But I guess it's all needed.
I called Nick Younglove tonight. He's on vacation. But he didn't answer. =/ I miss him. I have no one to run around in circles with!!!
((BUT I just saw this really creepy video online of....well I can't even describe it...but I am scared beyond belief!! I need to talk to someone, but it's too late to call, and like no one is online!!.........))
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[Sunday
07 09, 2006 / 9:37pm] |
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O Brother Where Art Though Soundtrack |
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So today was good. Good enough anyways. I didn't have to go to church, so that was great. Then we went and picked up Bud/Dimitri from church and went to the Sox game with Patra and my father. It was a great game. It was the bottom of the ninth, and Bud was all like, why are we still here this game is over!! (because the Red Sox were winning). Then Jermaine Dye homered and tied the game, so it went into extra innings. White Sox ended up winning 6-5 in the NINTEENTH inning. Wow. We didn't get to stay for the whole game, only fifteen innings. Because I had a Venture Crew meeting...
...which was interesting. Thinking about it now, it proves that I don't like Mike like that. It just proves it. Just the way I felt and acted and everything. I don't know how to explain it, but it does. I'm very proud of myself, and I know Kelsey will be too! haha. But the meetings (and, in retrospect, even camp really) kind of make me feel, um, beneath people? I don't know, that is not the right word, but I cannot think of the one I would rather use. There are people there who are just good people. Erica, Mike, and Chris especially. And now Sarah too. I feel like I'm underneath them all, like I don't measure up. I don't know.
So that was my day. No one is home right now except for my mom, because my sisters and dad and cousin all went to some festival type thingy somewhere away from here. Which is good. I am enjoying the solitude.
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[Sunday
07 09, 2006 / 10:17am] |
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mood |
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rejuvenated |
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lovin is what i got (idk the artist) |
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So last night, right after I posted that journal entry, Mike came online so I got to talk tot him. Well, I'll try to tell it acurately.
I was talking to Michelle and Jake and Jacquie. Thank goodness for Jacquie. So the convos were like this:
Jacquie: talking about just what's happening lately, Madrigals and my dress making, and how she should make it at re-auditions in the fall.
Jake: talking about coping, and then he had to tell me of the drama-ness of people talking about me at camp and stuff.
Michelle: I was pretty pissed at her last night. She was trying to convince me that I'm not pointless. Which just pissed me off. A LOT. But o well.
So then when Jake told me that drama or whatever, I just cried. And I'd already left Mike a bunch of messages that I wanted to die. Which is okay, because he knows that I can't die. Then he came online at about 12:15 am, and he said his heyy (with two ys...I always notice that...it's cute). And I was just all Mike I want to die. And he was like I know. (ha i prolly shoulda just copy/pasted the convo...o well). Then he reminded me of that time i made his day. And when Cathy stayed up with me on the phone. And just the fact that I can be very happy and that I am loved. And at first I was like about to reply with just stupidity and no there is no hope type of thing. And then I thought about it. And I remembered. And I suddenly wanted to live again. Because if I can make his day once, than can I make other people's days sometime too? It's worth trying. Soooo worth trying.
Um, I have more to say, but I'm leaving for the White Sox vs. Red Sox game soon. I'll update after that.
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[Saturday
07 08, 2006 / 10:54pm] |
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my sister is blasting the Killers in the next room |
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I cannot even describe how this feels. I just talked to Jake (he has a girlfriend. o well, I didn't think anything was going to happen anyway.). And he said about how him and Chris and Mike were talking at the campout and I guess my name came up (I don't care about that...I was there, and whatever...), but I guess there was something said about me try to get with 4 (or multiple) guys at once. According to Jake, Chris said it, which is just like him, he being one to lead me on and break my heart. But Jake also says that Mike agreed with it. I don't know if any of this is true, because these drama-filled things are rarely ever 100% true. But if it is...there is a possibility. I don't know why Mike would say that, he had just met me that day. And I honestly thought that he wouldn't give me and bs. I thought he meant everything he said to me, and that's because I trust him. I would trust him with my life if it came down to it. So, if this is true that he agreed with this, then that would come as a major shock to me and a betrayal. I am going to talk to him though before I go assuming things or deciding I hate him or anything. Plus even if it did turn out that he did say that, I think it will hurt to know, but I think I will be able to forgive him, because it could just be that he just said 'yea' to show that he didn't really have an opinion or anything to say about it. Plus I think I could forgive him because at the point that he allegedly said that, we weren't as good friends, and there wasn't really very much trust at that point, and we didn't really know eachother. I'm just going to try not to think about it until I actually talk to Mike, and I just have to keep my head on my shoulders and face this with poise and rationality. But when I first heard this, I definitely cried long and hard before I thought about it. It hurt.
But today has been crap otherwise too. I really wish I didn't have to live. But I do, as there is no other alternative. This morning was alright, I went with mom and my sisters to help out at the prairie. Which was okay, but it was hard work, weeding the prairie. Then I came home and did nothing the rest of the day. But I started feeling really down yesterday, then better some, then pretty down yesterday night, and now today I am in mucho-depressed-land. I don't know. I'm not sick of this life because it sucks or it's hell or anything like that. I hate it because it's pointless. But, as I have no other options but to live this pointless life, I am over it. It just sucks, thats all.
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[Friday
07 07, 2006 / 11:00pm] |
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New layout. Yea, it was Underoath, and I like what I've heard of them, but I just didn't feel like putting them on here. It's too much like 6th grade. So I changed the pic. Get over it.
Today was an okay day. I was pretty stressed when I updated earlier, because I was just thinking about how busy I'm going to be, with pretty much no break from the beginning of August to 2007. Yes. But then me and mom and sisters went shopping and to Baker's Square. We got patterns for a cloak and [possible] dress that mom and I will be making for madrigals. I'm just not sure how much time I'm going to have to do that...but ya. Then I came home, and nothing happened. Literally nothing. But now I'm all depressed??
I just cannot do this anymore. I'm wondering if life is worth it. I just don't know now. I am depressed and I don't know why. I hate not knowing. I want to cry so much. I'll end up crying myself to sleep tonight, I know it, I can feel it. I need someone to talk to and I know it. But I am stupid and there is no one there--because I made/make it that way. 1-I am scared to call people. 2-I am not even sure who I trust and who I don't right now. 3-The whole 'bothering people' thing. 4-I don't want to waste someone's time. I don't know what's wrong other than the fact that I want to die. I know that talking to someone will make me feel better, but I would really have nothing to say. I can't live like this anymore. I can't live with myself. I let myself down. I let others down. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE. There is absolutely no reason for me to. So why?
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[Friday
07 07, 2006 / 11:26am] |
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Prokofiev |
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So yesterday was a pretty okay day! Woke up early-ish with the intention of going to band, and then I just didn't. Slept until my dad woke me up and told me we had no power. Then woke up around noon when they put the power back on. I had the most wonderful dreams......
At like 11pm, we left for the 12:03am showing of PTOC2. It was great, but let's just say that the ending kind of ruined it for me. But it really was a good movie. Plus, midnight showings are always fun.
But other than that, I pretty much sat around doing nothing all day. I know to some people that sounds so horrible to them and that i need a life or something, but really, those days are fabulous to me. There are soooo many days in the summer that I'm just too busy. I have not even two weeks to just sit here and do nothing. Then I leave for vacation, then upon coming back I have practice for a week and then Band Camp.
Then after that I have a week of Madrigals all day, which overlaps with band on several days. =/ Eek. I don't know how I'm going to work that out. But I guess my not-so-superior time management skills and my negotiation skills will have to come into play somewhere. Then the next week, I have MJH marching band camp, and marching band, and also madrigals. I think that week will be pretty okay because the only thing that overlaps is the band camp and that is not mandatory. Plus, the madrigals rehearsals might be for only Singers (fingers crossed??). And somewhere in all of that there are like sessions for prep for IMEA choir tryouts in the fall, which I would really like to go to if I can. I think I will be able to if I take time to plan it all out beforehand. But pretty much in August I am not going to be home-at all. Because I just remembered, we also start having 9-4s on Saturdays after band camp! So my day of rest (literally!) is going to be Sunday. And then when school starts. Oh, wow, I'm going to be after school every single day except every other Friday when we don't have football games. And I will have to keep up with all of my friends (as opposed to summer, when you really just don't see everyone). And I'll probably end up going to school at 5:45 am again for drill. But really, who knows with that. Anyway, just writing about all this is making me stressed. See why I am relishing doing absolutely nothing for the time that I can?? =/
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| power!! |
[Thursday
07 06, 2006 / 11:04am] |
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MCR |
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Our electricity was just out for like an hour!! I was sooooo bored!!! I slept!! haha. Just thought I'd share....
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[Wednesday
07 05, 2006 / 10:47pm] |
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Taking Back Sunday |
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Wow. So yesterday was the 4th of July, which was okay I guess. My seventh year, and I still love the parade. Even though like everyone else hates it. O well.
Then went to the Sox game with the family and watched them trash the Orioles 13-0. Lots of unhealthy food. hahaha.The night was sucky though. I was supposed to meet Jacquie and all those people at the fireworks and then go to Jacquie's afterwards. But there was so much drama and negativity and tense-ness and such going on with my parents and sister that I got like really depressed. And they said I couldn't go, probably because my sister was making them mad. But I got really depressed just because of the atmosphere at my house last night. So I probably would not have been much fun at the party anyway. I really wanted to call someone and see if I could spend the night with someone else, but I didn't. And then I talked to Mike and discovered that life is all about CM7 chords. Sounds funny, but it's true.
So that made me feel better.
Today was a much better day!! And I didn't even do anything!! (maybe that's why it was a great day! hahaha). But really, I am all very happy and perky today! It's very exciting. Nick was watching White Noise on HBO earlier, and he was scared and he was telling me everything as it was happening, so then I was scared and I wasn't even watching it!
Well, other things happened too. Like a 'dance party.' ahahaha. But I don't feel like writing about them. So this is it for now I guess.
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| out of the bubble |
[Saturday
07 01, 2006 / 11:10pm] |
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eh. |
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death cab for cutie |
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Wow. I haven't updated in a while...
Christina's birthday was Wednesday. She is finally 15. Hahaha
Her party was last night. Pretty sweet bonfire. A field trip to the crack shed. Sundae bar, s'more-gasboard. Ghost stories. Dancing. Mosquito spray. Sam cracked my back-yay! Lots of talking, conversations. Apple fight. Wearing the same shirts, except different colors. Improv. Fire. Pop cans. Jacket. Shana and Lucy....but those were not what mattered. Fun and great and memorable, but not what mattered.
I miss Christina. I really do. A lot. More than a lot. More than I can say. That matters.
I met Cathy. That matters too. A lot. We learned a great deal about eachother. Some things that neither of us would have guessed. But through her, I learned some things about myself too. She gave me a reason not to go back. Even in my darkest hours. I hope, I wish, I can live up to that, that expectation, that promise.
It's hard to believe. That this happened at all. That there is trust, so suddenly. Everything that was said. It's hard to believe that any of it is possible. Especially because it's me, and this isn't like me. I thought for a second, that with all this trust coming from me, I might be making a mistake...but I asked Mike (of course), and he said, no, I'm taking a chance. And then it hit me. This is what it is to come out of that bubble. I'm very proud of myself.
But I think I believe it.
Beautiful.
((oh, ps-speaking of that bubble and Mr. Smith's circle thing, I think I figured out where I am: right in the middle. or else somewhere near where Mike said he was....I'm not sure. It bears further scrutiny.))
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| i feel smart! |
[Sunday
06 25, 2006 / 11:16pm] |
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Of A Revolution |
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So, when I heard the fanatic yells and cheers in my basement, I ran down to see what had happened, because I knew that the White Sox were playing. When I saw the replay of Iguchi's grand slam, and took in the fact that this was the third consecutive game with a grand slam for the Sox, and all in one series. So I thought there was probably a record behind all of this. So I started to do some research......
What I found out was this: The whole 3-grand-slams-in-consecutive-games-in-one-series deal has happend twice before in the American League. The first time was by the Millwaukee Brewers on the 7th, 8th, and 9th of April 1978, against the Baltimore Orioles. The more recent occurnce was by the Detroit Tigers on the 10th, 11th, and 12th of August 1993, and again against the Baltimore Orioles. This has never, however, happened in the National league. I was very dissapointed, as I was fairly sure that this new feat of the Sox's would hold a record.
BUT! Then, in a random burst of unexpected and uncharacteristic smartness, I thought of this: The Chicago White Sox did set a record today! They became the first team to hit 3 grand slams in consecutive games in one series in interleague play!!!!! I can't believe I thought of that! I feel so smart! wow......
((Or, if you prefer, the first team to hit a grand slam in every game of a series in interleague play.))
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| out of that rut |
[Sunday
06 25, 2006 / 4:50pm] |
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You and I ((Five for Fighting)) |
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So, for the past almost four weeks, I have been in one of my depressed times. But over the past two or three days, I have gotten out of it. Partly do to much help from Michael Blakely and also my Kelsey (yes, she is MINE!! <33 back off.). And also because of people like Nick Younglove, Nick Novak and Shannon and Lauren constantly making my day. I love all those people....I love all of my friends. But Mike and Kels definitely had to put up with me the most. <33 I LOVE EVERYONE TO DEATH!!
um. ya.
So anyways, now I'm not in depressed land. I know I'll have to go back, I always do, but I hope it's not for a while.
As for HIM....I don't know. Yes, I love him. I really do. But is it really that kind of love, or is it the same kind of deep, yet friendly, love I have for all of my friends? That's the thing I need to just sit and think about.
But ya, not even that will spoil my mood! yipeeee!
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| this is how i feel about HIM |
[Saturday
06 24, 2006 / 9:47pm] |
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James Blunt |
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You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
((I've known this song for a while. But I just now thought of the fact that it fits my situation with HIM perfectly.....))
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| love |
[Saturday
06 24, 2006 / 5:37pm] |
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I love him. I really do.
But there are so many different kinds of love. I say that all the time, but it's true.
So just because I love him and he's perfect, that doesn't mean I'm like in love with him.....absolutely not.
He's a great friend and a great person. He by no means deserves the trash that got said about him today. Not at all. I wish I'd had the guts to stand up to that prat that was saying it.
I love.
But do others love back. I feel quite alone at the moment.
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[Saturday
06 24, 2006 / 9:23am] |
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The only reason I hate that my room is on the ground floor is this: I wake up rather early ( during summer anyway, 7:30 is early...); eat breakfast (well, during summer I can eat breakfast); maybe take care of some things, run, or strech; and then I go back to sleep. Then, when my family finally wakes up at their late hour, I get woken up from the nice sleep I was having. Because, of course, my sisters and sometimes mother absolutely must slam the cabinet doors and clatter plates and walk as loudly as possible when in the kitchen, which is adjacent to my room. And then there are the times (miraculously, this did not happen today!) when my dad has to leave early to commute/catch a flight to whereever he is working that particular week. He is relatively quiet in the kitchen, but then when he is hauling his breifcase, laptop, keyboard and whatever else he takes with him out the garage door, he clomps and bumps right past my door. This brings the total number of times I wake up in one morning to 3, assuming I sleep well. Do you understand how much this sucks....very much. grr. summer has its hardships too.
My face is swollen and I feel like pretty sick. But I have to go out today because we have a parade (veterans only) in Peotone. I don't want to go, not with the way I feel, but do I have a choice? Nope.
Hmm. I have more I want to whine about, but i prompty forgot it. Oh well, I'll probably whine some more after the parade about how immature and overdramatic people are or something like that. I wonder if any freshman will show.........................
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| why? |
[Friday
06 23, 2006 / 9:34pm] |
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yellowcard |
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I approached the change in schools with this attitude: school is school, the principles are the same and the people are the same but there are more of them; the problems are the same and so is the drama; it's the same except bigger.
And then, what did I find? I was right. If you look at it, it's all the same. All those drama-obsessed people and conformists and lazy people will tell you-->"woah, high school was so much different than junior high!!" But it's not, it's the same, just bigger in every way. People are stupid.
Going to high school was probably one of the only things in my life that I faced with a positive attitude. And then this girl, who thinks she knows me. She has the audacity to say that I didn't do anything new? Oh please. Get a grip. She has no idea..... Maybe I did go from "marching band to marching band" as she put it. But that is not even close to being the half of it. She has no idea what she's talking about. And even if it was, it's harder than it sounds. She has no idea what I went through. And that's not it either. There was so much else there that I did and that happened. What a blind, stupid girl.
Michael--He told me to ask "why". I don't understand this logic. I have been asking that question for the past three years. "and don't let the answer be 'i don't know' ". Fine, but even after that, after all the answers to the endless circle of why's, I inevitably come to this question: Why are we/am I here?? And I think we all know that that question has no answer.....I know Mike didn't tell me this to torment me....So what does he mean??
I am so sick of this. I can't do it anymore. I can't keep living this sham of a life. I know that tomorrow I'm going to wake up and put on that face. You know, the one the world wants, the one everyone wants and expects out of me, out of most people. And then I will come back crying to those I love and trust. Because that face gives no satisfaction. It's not real. I am not what the world wants. So then what am I?? This is not how I want to live my life......"don't worry, I won't die tonight. But that doesn't mean I don't wish it was so..."
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| he said "don't be afraid to vent to my away message"...so i did. |
[Friday
06 23, 2006 / 11:26am] |
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yellowcard |
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Minority Clan 52: i might be away by the time you get this, but don't be afraid to vent to my away message. i'll respond when i get back fro the zoo
x10orxmadn3ssx: don't be afraid to vent to ur away msg. if i recall correctly, last time i did that i scared you. hmm. o well. ur at the zoo. lucky. i'm at a zoo too--my house. grr. we are having ppl over later and it's like, um, chaos is a good word?? but ya that's totally not important.
x10orxmadn3ssx: ugh. idk what i'm feeling tho. this started last night. i hate when i get all depressed for no identifiable reason and i can't lift it. and then i'm more depressed on top of it cuz i know i'm powerless against it. its like this feeling of hopelessness, dragging me down like........idk. ugh. and then i'm sitting here alone. like ever since school ended i'm in danger of being alone. i can't be alone. it's not in my skill set. when i'm alone, i think. and usually that doesn't lead to good things.**** ******* *** ****.
x10orxmadn3ssx: and other stuff. i can't name it i guess. my best friend, ******, she says i think too much. and maybe she's right. idk. she says i shouldn't think about life and death. what else is there to think on? ugh. idk anymore
x10orxmadn3ssx: i hate how much i say that...idk-i don't know. i feel like i don't know anything. not even myself. not knowing myself is the worst thing. i don't know who i am. which isn't cool. it's like another of my fears is not knowing. i think that was instilled in me at a very young age. i've been in all honors classes since i was 6. i was always afraid of being stupid or embarassed. not knowing an answer or a person or something to say. i hated being put in that situation. and now i am...constantly. i mean, what do i know if i don't know myself. and i can't figure out where i am on that circle. i think i know, but maybe i don't. i'm so unsure of myself. and it's like nothing is good enough. maybe that was instilled at a young age too. i always had to be the best. i think school had a lot to do with it. idk, i can track myself, my personality, perfectly until i hit about 7th grade. that's when i hit like rock bottom. everything in my life started slipping at that point. and then i lose track.
x10orxmadn3ssx: cuz up til that point i was outgoing, fairly self-sufficient, independent, good kid, good grades straight a student and all that, oldest sister, the whole complex. i was completely satisfied with everything. i had friends, i did stuff, i was athletic and skinny, a dancer (if u can imagine that...eeeugh look at me now....*makes face), all-star athlete, but bilingual, musician, smart at the same time...all this stuff. (i was pretty ugly tho....that was like my one shortcoming lol. but i'm still ugly so that gets overlooked) i was close to perfect in some ppls eyes. i wanted to fly planes and be an astronaut. and i told ppl so too. my parents were so proud of me all the time. sometimes i wish i could go back to being that way. a lot of times actually. but i can't. cuz in 7th grade my life turned, well, from great to horrible. the only thing i can really tie to that change is the fact that everyone expected so much of me, and i was sick of it.
x10orxmadn3ssx: but that can't be the entire reason i fell so far. i refuse to believe it if it is. the only things i can say about that year that was even a little bit good. i had a new amazing band director that showed me what music really was. she changed my life and i love her for that and she knows it. that is still with me, and sometimes it's my only light. singing anyway. i couldn't produce an emotion on the sax if i tried. sometimes, it's like that's all i'm living for, is the music and that emotion that's ever-present, even in that word music. other times i think i'm living for my friends. they could live without me, although ****** says she wouldn't. but everyone would, they'd have to. but i love my friends so much. idk. or my sisters sometimes i live for them, occasionally. when stuff gets bad here, i gotta keep going, just for them. at the moment, idk what i'm here for. actually, i never know what i'm here for.
x10orxmadn3ssx: sometimes i think i know. but really i never do. it all leads back to this not knowing. i feel empty and pointless. empty and pointless. yes, i think those are the two words. there has to be something more. these tears can't be the answer. (honestly, i've been crying for the past 10 minutes of writing all this). i must be missing something. but i don't know what it is and i fear i never will. all i want right now is for all this to go away. just to leave me be. but would i rather feel this constant pain, or nothing at all. i don't know. i give up. i'm curling up in a ball and sleeping. or maybe i'll do something with a sham of productivity like memorizing music or something else with an equally false sense of dignity. i'm sorry you have to put up with this, with me. but thanks. you have no idea, i can't express it in words. and technically i guess you don't even have to read this. so if you even made it to this point in here i congradulate you and i also question your sanity.
x10orxmadn3ssx: thanks for being such a great friend, like unconditionally. like i said, i can't express stuff in words like this. hopefully i'll catcha later.
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[Thursday
06 22, 2006 / 12:07am] |
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Panic! at the Disco |
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wow...so I had this whole really long entry that was all finished and ready to post. and then my laptop decides to visit the Land of the Utterly and Completely Useless and like not work. so i had to restart and now my entry is lost....i will end up editting this one back to it's former glory tomorrow between band times.
mikes chart:
time of discovery and not thinking about this:
my new philosophy:
marching band was better today:
tomorrow:
i think that was it??
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[Wednesday
06 21, 2006 / 11:29am] |
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the Killers |
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Thank you Lauren for making my day. I love you! (as lesbo as it sounds lol).
So last night, I talked to who needed to be talked to, those people helped me so much. I couldn't sleep. But then someone I respect very much told me why-I didn't know what I wanted. So, whence I tried to sleep again, I thought about what I "truly want." And it helped. So thanks for putting me to sleep =) You know who you are...
And here is my resolution:
I thought about the tears I cried last night. And then I thought about the tears I cried at other times. All those times last season when the tears of joy and just rejoicing came. All those times when there was all that raw emotion. Those six months where almost nothing bad happened, and I never had to....... And because of that, I decided:
the tears at the end are worth every tear at the beginning
Good Luck to All.
MGs, you know what I'm talking about......
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